My Eczema Journey: The Itch That Never Left

Dear Readers,

Hi! I’m Cheerry, I am a person that has Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW). But before I had TSW, I had eczema. I vividly remember the day it all started. I was only four years old when I found a random scab on my wrist. Toddler me didn’t know how it got there or what it meant, but it sure looked like it wanted to be peeled off. I was afraid to touch it in case it bled, but I was tempted nonetheless. I went to my mother's room where I found a bottle of scented lotion (which I had been eyeing for a while). I pumped a bit into my little hands and rubbed it into the scab. And then, I peeled it off. It didn’t hurt, to my surprise and satisfaction, but it did itch a little. I would have no idea that this incident would be the start of years of pain.

Having eczema was horrific. It started small. In primary school, it was only bad around my knees and elbows. Even then, I was ostracized so badly that it felt as if I was a monster. I did my best not to scratch, but it was hard to control it when my body felt like it was burning up. We went to doctors, dermatologists, TCM and other alternatives, so many of them that I lost count, it all becomes a blur after so many years. It became normal for me. I didn’t remember a time where my skin wasn’t itchy. My skin would get bad, I’d go to the doctor, they would give me steroids and antibiotics, I’d take the medicine and it would get better for a while. But like a downward spiral, my skin condition slowly worsened. By the end of primary school, it had spread to my wrists and thighs, and a bit on my face too. 

That wasn’t the end of my troubles though. My eczema only got more severe in secondary school, eventually reaching a point where I had to be hospitalised because it was all over my body. It was just before my O’levels too. It was frustrating as much as it was demoralising. I applied from mild to strong potency the steroids, I tried experimental medicine like Dupilumap - an immunosuppressant (those were injections and hurt a lot). “Why wasn’t it working? Is this how I will have to live the rest of my life?” I questioned myself. You know, at that point in life, I truly believed that I’d have to live like this forever. I had lost hope.

Eczema is an incurable disease, that was what I was told my whole life. There were ways to manage the symptoms, but mostly it depended on me to not scratch. To control myself. Unsurprisingly, that was difficult for me. I scratched and scratched, and hated myself for it. It was frustrating to feel like the one responsible for your own suffering, But I knew no other life. I had come to accept it. One day, in the first semester of my polytechnic, my skin flared up again and I went to the hospital, At the age of 16 years old, I felt like I have had too many brushes with death already, They slathered me with steroids and started me on an IV antibiotic, In 3 days, I came out with my skin looking brand new, and I was elated.

It was so blissful to have a long painless shower, to enjoy a good night’s sleep for once in so many years.  My happiness only lasted a few days before eczema started creeping back into my life. I knew what would happen, my medicine only works for a couple of days before my skin gets bad again. And so when my mother told me about how she read about this thing called Topical Steroid Withdrawal, and how I may have a chance to live without eczema after all, I clung onto that hope. 

Dear Readers, if you were anything like me, know that it’s not your fault. 

Cheerry <3